But what marvel that I was thus carried away to vanities, and
went out from Thy presence, O my God, when men were set before
me as models, who, if in relating some action of theirs, in itself
not ill, they committed some barbarism or solecism, being censured,
were abashed; but when in rich and adorned and well-ordered discourse
they related their own disordered life, being bepraised, they
gloried? These things Thou seest, Lord, and holdest Thy peace;
long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. Wilt Thou hold
Thy peace for ever? and even now Thou drawest out of this horrible
gulf the soul that seeketh Thee, that thirsteth for Thy pleasures,
whose heart saith unto Thee, I have sought Thy face; Thy face,
Lord, will I seek. For darkened affections is removal from Thee.
For it is not by our feet, or change of place, that men leave
Thee, or return unto Thee. Or did that Thy younger son look out
for horses or chariots, or ships, fly with visible wings, or journey
by the motion of his limbs, that he might in a far country waste
in riotous living all Thou gavest at his departure? A loving Father,
when Thou gavest, and more loving unto him, when he returned empty.
So then in lustful, that is, in darkened affections, is the true
distance from Thy face.
Behold, O Lord God, yea, behold patiently as Thou art wont, how
carefully the sons of men observe the covenanted rules of letters
and syllables received from those who spake before them, neglecting
the eternal covenant of everlasting salvation received from Thee.
Insomuch, that a teacher or learner of the hereditary laws of
pronunciation will more offend men by speaking without the aspirate,
of a "human being," in despite of the laws of grammar,
than if he, a "human being," hate a "human being"
in despite of Thine. As if any enemy could be more hurtful than
the hatred with which he is incensed against him; or could wound
more deeply him whom he persecutes, than he wounds his own soul
by his enmity. Assuredly no science of letters can be so innate
as the record of conscience, "that he is doing to another
what from another he would be lothe to suffer." How deep
are Thy ways, O God, Thou only great, that sittest silent on high
and by an unwearied law dispensing penal blindness to lawless
desires. In quest of the fame of eloquence, a man standing before
a human judge, surrounded by a human throng, declaiming against
his enemy with fiercest hatred, will take heed most watchfully,
lest, by an error of the tongue, he murder the word "human
being"; but takes no heed, lest, through the fury of his
spirit, he murder the real human being.
This was the world at whose gate unhappy I lay in my boyhood;
this the stage where I had feared more to commit a barbarism,
than having committed one, to envy those who had not. These things
I speak and confess to Thee, my God; for which I had praise from
them, whom I then thought it all virtue to please. For I saw not
the abyss of vileness, wherein I was cast away from Thine eyes.
Before them what more foul than I was already, displeasing even
such as myself? with innumerable lies deceiving my tutor, my masters,
my parents, from love of play, eagerness to see vain shows and
restlessness to imitate them! Thefts also I committed, from my
parents' cellar and table, enslaved by greediness, or that I might
have to give to boys, who sold me their play, which all the while
they liked no less than I. In this play, too, I often sought unfair
conquests, conquered myself meanwhile by vain desire of pre-eminence.
And what could I so ill endure, or, when I detected it, upbraided
I so fiercely, as that I was doing to others? And for which if,
detected, I was upbraided, I chose rather to quarrel than to yield.
And is this the innocence of boyhood? Not so, Lord, not so; I
cry Thy mercy, O my God. For these very sins, as riper years succeed,
these very sins are transferred from tutors and masters, from
nuts and balls and sparrows, to magistrates and kings, to gold
and manors and slaves, just as severer punishments displace the
cane. It was the low stature then of childhood which Thou our
King didst commend as an emblem of lowliness, when Thou saidst,
Of such is the kingdom of heaven.
Yet, Lord, to Thee, the Creator and Governor of the universe,
most excellent and most good, thanks were due to Thee our God,
even hadst Thou destined for me boyhood only. For even then I
was, I lived, and felt; and had an implanted providence over my
well-being--a trace of that mysterious Unity whence I was derived;
I guarded by the inward sense the entireness of my senses, and
in these minute pursuits, and in my thoughts on things minute,
I learnt to delight in truth, I hated to be deceived, had a vigorous
memory, was gifted with speech, was soothed by friendship, avoided
pain, baseness, ignorance. In so small a creature, what was not
wonderful, not admirable? But all are gifts of my God: it was
not I who gave them me; and good these are, and these together
are myself. Good, then, is He that made me, and He is my good;
and before Him will I exult for every good which of a boy I had.
For it was my sin, that not in Him, but in His creatures--myself
and others--I sought for pleasures, sublimities, truths, and so
fell headlong into sorrows, confusions, errors. Thanks be to Thee,
my joy and my glory and my confidence, my God, thanks be to Thee
for Thy gifts; but do Thou preserve them to me. For so wilt Thou
preserve me, and those things shall be enlarged and perfected
which Thou hast given me, and I myself shall be with Thee, since
even to be Thou hast given me.