Narrow is the mansion of my soul; enlarge Thou it, that Thou mayest
enter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which
must offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse
it? or to whom should I cry, save Thee? Lord, cleanse me from
my secret faults, and spare Thy servant from the power of the
enemy. I believe, and therefore do I speak. Lord, Thou knowest.
Have I not confessed against myself my transgressions unto Thee,
and Thou, my God, hast forgiven the iniquity of my heart? I contend
not in judgment with Thee, who art the truth; I fear to deceive
myself; lest mine iniquity lie unto itself. Therefore I contend
not in judgment with Thee; for if Thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities,
O Lord, who shall abide it?
Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust and ashes. Yet
suffer me to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful
man. Thou too, perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and
have compassion upon me. For what would I say, O Lord my God,
but that I know not whence I came into this dying life (shall
I call it?) or living death. Then immediately did the comforts
of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard (for I remember it not)
from the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst
sometime fashion me. Thus there received me the comforts of woman's
milk. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts
for me; but Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy through them,
according to Thine ordinance, whereby Thou distributest Thy riches
through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also gavest me
to desire no more than Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly
to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a heaven-taught
affection, willingly gave me what they abounded with from Thee.
For this my good from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from
them was it, but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all good
things, and from my God is all my health. This I since learned,
Thou, through these Thy gifts, within me and without, proclaiming
Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to suck; to repose in what
pleased, and cry at what offended my flesh; nothing more.
Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking: for
so it was told me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the
like in other infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus,
little by little, I became conscious where I was; and to have
a wish to express my wishes to those who could content them, and
I could not; for the wishes were within me, and they without;
nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my spirit.
So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making the few signs
I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very little
like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed (my wishes
being hurtful or unintelligible), then I was indignant with my
elders for not submitting to me, with those owing me no service,
for not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such
have I learnt infants to be from observing them; and that I was
myself such, they, all unconscious, have shown me better than
my nurses who knew it.
And, lo! my infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord,
who for ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the
foundation of the worlds, and before all that can be called "before,"
Thou art, and art God and Lord of all which Thou hast created:
in Thee abide, fixed for ever, the first causes of all things
unabiding; and of all things changeable, the springs abide in
Thee unchangeable: and in Thee live the eternal reasons of all
things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to me, Thy suppliant;
say, all-pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did my infancy
succeed another age of mine that died before it? was it that which
I spent within my mother's womb? for of that I have heard somewhat,
and have myself seen women with child? and what before that life
again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have
I none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of
others, nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this,
and bid me praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that I do know?
I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee
for my first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember
nothing; for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess
much as to himself; and believe much on the strength of weak females.
Even then I had being and life, and (at my infancy's close) I
could seek for signs whereby to make known to others my sensations.
Whence could such a being be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any
be his own artificer? or can there elsewhere be derived any vein,
which may stream essence and life into us, save from Thee, O Lord,
in whom essence and life are one? for Thou Thyself art supremely
Essence and Life. For Thou art most high, and art not changed,
neither in Thee doth to-day come to a close; yet in Thee doth
it come to a close; because all such things also are in Thee.
For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldest them.
And since Thy years fail not, Thy years are one to-day. How many
of ours and our fathers' years have flowed away through Thy "to-day"
and from it received the measure and the mould of such being as
they had; and still others shall flow away, and so receive the
mould of their degree of being. But Thou art still the same, and
all things of to-morrow, and all beyond, and all of yesterday,
and all behind it, Thou hast done to-day. What is it to me, though
any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice and say, What thing
is this? Let him rejoice even thus; and be content rather by not
discovering to discover Thee, than by discovering not to discover
Thee.