What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the
remembrance whereof I am now ashamed? Especially, in that theft
which I loved for the theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and
therefore the more miserable I, who loved it. Yet alone I had
not done it: such was I then, I remember, alone I had never done
it. I loved then in it also the company of the accomplices, with
whom I did it? I did not then love nothing else but the theft,
yea rather I did love nothing else; for that circumstance of the
company was also nothing. What is, in truth? who can teach me,
save He that enlighteneth my heart, and discovereth its dark corners?
What is it which hath come into my mind to enquire, and discuss,
and consider? For had I then loved the pears I stole, and wished
to enjoy them, I might have done it alone, had the bare commission
of the theft sufficed to attain my pleasure; nor needed I have
inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of accomplices.
But since my pleasure was not in those pears, it was in the offence
itself, which the company of fellow-sinners occasioned.
What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul: and
woe was me, who had it. But yet what was it? Who can understand
his errors? It was the sport, which as it were tickled our hearts,
that we beguiled those who little thought what we were doing,
and much misliked it. Why then was my delight of such sort that
I did it not alone? Because none doth ordinarily laugh alone?
Ordinarily no one; yet laughter sometimes masters men alone and
singly when no one whatever is with them, if any thing very ludicrous
presents itself to their senses or mind. Yet I had not done this
alone; alone I had never done it. Behold my God, before Thee,
the vivid remembrance of my soul; alone, I had never committed
that theft wherein what I stole pleased me not, but that I stole;
nor had it alone liked me to do it, nor had I done it. O friendship
too unfriendly! thou incomprehensible inveigler of the soul, thou
greediness to do mischief out of mirth and wantonness, thou thirst
of others' loss, without lust of my own gain or revenge: but when
it is said, "Let's go, let's do it," we are ashamed
not to be shameless.
Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness? Foul
is it: I hate to think on it, to look on it. But Thee I long for,
O Righteousness and Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure
eyes, and of a satisfaction unsating. With Thee is rest entire,
and life imperturbable. Whoso enters into Thee, enters into the
joy of his Lord: and shall not fear, and shall do excellently
in the All-Excellent. I sank away from Thee, and I wandered, O
my God, too much astray from Thee my stay, in these days of my
youth, and I became to myself a barren land.