These things I being ignorant of, scoffed at those Thy holy
servants and prophets. And what gained I by scoffing at them,
but to be scoffed at by Thee, being insensibly and step by step
drawn on to those follies, as to believe that a fig-tree wept
when it was plucked, and the tree, its mother, shed milky tears?
Which fig notwithstanding (plucked by some other's, not his own,
guilt) had some Manichean saint eaten, and mingled with his bowels,
he should breathe out of it angels, yea, there shall burst forth
particles of divinity, at every moan or groan in his prayer, which
particles of the most high and true God had remained bound in
that fig, unless they had been set at liberty by the teeth or
belly of some "Elect" saint! And I, miserable, believed
that more mercy was to be shown to the fruits of the earth than
men, for whom they were created. For if any one an hungered, not
a Manichean, should ask for any, that morsel would seem as it
were condemned to capital punishment, which should be given him.
And Thou sentest Thine hand from above, and drewest my soul out
of that profound darkness, my mother, Thy faithful one, weeping
to Thee for me, more than mothers weep the bodily deaths of their
children. For she, by that faith and spirit which she had from
Thee, discerned the death wherein I lay, and Thou heardest her,
O Lord; Thou heardest her, and despisedst not her tears, when
streaming down, they watered the ground under her eyes in every
place where she prayed; yea Thou heardest her. For whence was
that dream whereby Thou comfortedst her; so that she allowed me
to live with her, and to eat at the same table in the house, which
she had begun to shrink from, abhorring and detesting the blasphemies
of my error? For she saw herself standing on a certain wooden
rule, and a shining youth coming towards her, cheerful and smiling
upon her, herself grieving, and overwhelmed with grief. But he
having (in order to instruct, as is their wont, not to be instructed)
enquired of her the causes of her grief and daily tears, and she
answering that she was bewailing my perdition, he bade her rest
contented, and told her to look and observe, "That where
she was, there was I also." And when she looked, she saw
me standing by her in the same rule. Whence was this, but that
Thine ears were towards her heart? O Thou Good omnipotent, who
so carest for every one of us, as if Thou caredst for him only;
and so for all, as if they were but one!
Whence was this also, that when she had told me this vision, and
I would fain bend it to mean, "That she rather should not
despair of being one day what I was"; she presently, without
any hesitation, replies: "No; for it was not told me that,
'where he, there thou also'; but 'where thou, there he also'?"
I confess to Thee, O Lord, that to the best of my remembrance
(and I have oft spoken of this), that Thy answer, through my waking
mother,--that she was not perplexed by the plausibility of my
false interpretation, and so quickly saw what was to be seen,
and which I certainly had not perceived before she spake, -- even
then moved me more than the dream itself, by which a joy to the
holy woman, to be fulfilled so long after, was, for the consolation
of her present anguish, so long before foresignified. For almost
nine years passed, in which I wallowed in the mire of that deep
pit, and the darkness of falsehood, often assaying to rise, but
dashed down the more grievously. All which time that chaste, godly,
and sober widow (such as Thou lovest), now more cheered with hope,
yet no whit relaxing in her weeping and mourning, ceased not at
all hours of her devotions to bewail my case unto Thee. And her
prayers entered into Thy presence; and yet Thou sufferedst me
to be yet involved and reinvolved in that darkness.
Thou gavest her meantime another answer, which I call to mind;
for much I pass by, hasting to those things which more press me
to confess unto Thee, and much I do not remember. Thou gavest
her then another answer, by a Priest of Thine, a certain Bishop
brought up in Thy Church, and well studied in Thy books. Whom
when this woman had entreated to vouchsafe to converse with me,
refute my errors, unteach me ill things, and teach me good things
(for this he was wont to do, when he found persons fitted to receive
it), he refused, wisely, as I afterwards perceived. For he answered,
that I was yet unteachable, being puffed up with the novelty of
that heresy, and had already perplexed divers unskilful persons
with captious questions, as she had told him: "but let him
alone a while" (saith he), "only pray God for him, he
will of himself by reading find what that error is, and how great
its impiety." At the same time he told her, how himself,
when a little one, had by his seduced mother been consigned over
to the Manichees, and had not only read, but frequently copied
out almost all, their books, and had (without any argument or
proof from any one) seen how much that sect was to be avoided;
and had avoided it. Which when he had said, and she would not
be satisfied, but urged him more, with entreaties and many tears,
that he would see me and discourse with me; he, a little displeased
at her importunity, saith, "Go thy ways and God bless thee,
for it is not possible that the son of these tears should perish."
Which answer she took (as she often mentioned in her conversations
with me) as if it had sounded from heaven.